After Six Solid Months of Listening to Your Shit, Sun Peaces the Fuck Out of Town

Now, Portlanders “miss the sun.”

PORTLAND, OR — For nearly six months, the sun has patiently remained in the sky, impassive, while Portlanders below have toiled, whining & complaining about the job it was doing. But according to sources close to The Portland Intelligencer, that all changed sometime this weekend, when the sun abruptly put its hat on, said “fuck this,” and headed south on I-5 for the winter.

It is believed that the sun made the impulsive decision to leave after reading a comment on the Portland Reddit page that compared the local weather to “Southern California.”

You won’t be saying that again anytime soon.

Before deactivating its Facebook account, the sun reportedly posted its intentions to have “no contact” with Portland for a few months, at which point it expects the inhabitants of the city will be “singing a different tune.”