PORTLAND, OR — It’s like a scene from some post-apocalyptic atomic nightmare, from some dystopian science fiction film. But this is no cautionary tale of potentially-avoidable future foibles — this is present-day reality, unfolding right this very afternoon, right here in Portland, OR. And it’s coming down on us just days after people in southern states were themselves sprayed en masse from the sky, with a similar [though plasticine] compound.
Massive quantities of pure, frozen crystaline DHMO are literally raining down from the heavens above Portland. So much crystal DHMO is being sprayed onto the northwestern city that the sky has reportedly been blotted out — the sun and clouds rendered invisible by the relentless white spray, presumably being projected from unseen drone aircraft at a wifi-enabled altitude.
A blanketing of crystal DHMO is already beginning to accumulate on the ground, literally coating the streets and roadways at the time of this article’s publication. Even as city government puppets and corporate weather channel news-actors proclaim soothing nothings about the normalcy of these events, they nevertheless advise the consumers of Portland to remain indoors and to avoid all travel on obstructed streets — as the unknown substance continues to accumulate, to a projected 5 inches in depth. Surely, normal advice for an every-day occurrence in the City of Roses?
Anonymous sources within a small research division of the United States Environmental Assessment Center have analyzed a sample of the crystal DHMO, obtained by The Portland Intelligencer. The whistle-blowers are responsible for the original identification of the substance as crystal DHMO, and they report that the chemical has the following alarming characteristics:
- Can immobilize vehicles, render roadways to be dangerous, and cause drivers to forget how to operate their own motor vehicles. 
- Prolonged exposure to solid or crystal DHMO can cause severe tissue damage. 
- Lethal when brought to room temperature and inhaled, even in small quantities. 
- Is likely to contribute to erosion of soil from our Cascadian ecosystem. 
- Reacts bizarrely to many metals, often in a corrosive or oxidizing manner. 
- Can be used by terrorists to attack and short-circuit electrical power grids. 
- Was deliberately fed, in liquid form, to dogs bred for fighting by Michael Vick. 
- Is identified as the primary chemical in rainfall in the hellish Shanghai factory wastelands of China. 
- Is directly associated with the formation of killer tsunamis, such as the one that struck the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear facility. 
- Is virtually undetectable and untraceable in dehydrated (weaponized) form. 
Corporate-owned mainstream science dismisses the reality of crystal DHMO spraying — by silencing the victims, with derision and deflection. Rather than investigating the government drones that are spraying us, they instead provide garbage ‘data’ on the environmental impact of ‘airplane contrails.’ Rather than listening to the truth about shapeshifting reptilian overlords controlling the world’s governments to force them to deliberately spray us with poison, they instead listen to the nostalgic musings of sky-watchers who ramble on about childhood memories of a horizon where planes didn’t poop-out billowing clouds. And so we, as free-thinking lifestyle alternativists, must do all that we can to drown out a national conversation about the increasingly noticeable climate-altering effects of fossil fuel pollution the most effective way that we can — by saturating the national conversation with wild un-checked speculation on what the bad people might be ‘doing’ to us.