PORTLAND, OR — They appear out of nowhere, in the dead of night — just when decent, normal Portlanders like you, me, or James Harrison are likely to be outside, enjoying a peaceful luncheon with our families. For hours, they pass by, filling the entire roadway as far as the eye can see — and our children’s eyes with tears. When they leave, they’ve taken our appetites with them. So much for lunch.
“They” are a throbbing, undulating mass of unwholesome chaos — countless naked lumps of flesh, draped over a flotilla of foot-cranked hipstermobiles. And “they” are coming to Portland. Tonight.
The stench of pungent odors. The sight of unseemly creases. Those awful, soggy flapping noises. The dripping fluids; the trail of excrement. The unshakeable feeling that something has gone terribly, terribly wrong. And genitalia — genitalia, everywhere.
Contrary to the common assumption, it’s not against the law to be naked in Portland when you’re riding bikes with 10,000 other people — although you would still likely be arrested if you tried to do it all by yourself. That’s because there’s a political message behind this event — making it a form of protected speech.
The message? Y’know — bikes & shit.
Bikesters love to prattle on about “sustainability” and “saving the planet for our grandchildren” and “no blood for oil,” and other such obnoxious granola-crunching nonsense — merely weak, self-serving justifications for their little take-over-the-roads stunt. And bikesters will seize on any cheap excuse to get naked — any cheap excuse to expose the repulsive cosmic mistake that is our flesh.
Perhaps, instead, they should be asking themselves just how “sustainable” this annual attack of the nudes really is. Last year, the city had to reimburse ODOT more than two hundred and fifty million dollars for the expenses involved in hosing down the roads, after the ride had concluded.
“Bikes & shit,” indeed.
The event is so notorious, that is has even attracted the attention of nation-wide media like the National Report — an online newspaper that satirizes the satirical style, by ironically refraining from the use of both humor and insight. Meanwhile, locally, the uninspired smut-mill Rebel Metropolis continues to churn out sensationalized headlines on the topic, link-baiting unsuspecting visitors into its author’s online bike porn dungeon.