ARTISANAL PRESS — The United States Congress passed a motion during a special session this weekend, henceforth designating the popular deep-fried potato strips menu item in the Congressional cafeteria as “French fries.” The motion was intended as a display of solidarity with the people of France, following the recent terrorist attacks in Paris.
“Today, we are all French people,” reads the first line of the motion.
“It’s the least we can do, considering that we’ve consistently been arming, training, funding, and providing logistical support to the group that just attacked France,” an unusually loquacious Senator Jon McCain told The Portland Intelligencer, during an informal interview over drinks at the Off the Record Bar, located in the basement of D.C.’s historic Hay-Adams Hotel.
“I mean, we used to pretend to be fighting ISIS, but then Russia kind of pantsed us on that one. Uh, you did say this would be an off-the-record sorta deal, right?,” McCain quickly asked, somewhat nervously.
“Yes, Off the Record at the Hay-Adams,” our intrepid field reporter confirmed.
“Just as long as people in the U.S. don’t start paying attention to the casualties of our interventionist policies,” McCain continued. “Hey, you got this?,” he added, just as the rather sizable tab arrived.
Reportedly, when informed of the potatoey honorific, French Ambassador Gérard Araud only remarked: “Those came from Belgium.”