ARTISANAL PRESS — As it turns out, it’s not you. It’s them.
So says a new public service announcement currently airing on broadcast TV nationwide. The controversial PSA, paid for by the Everyone Knows Foundation, posits that the government is not respecting your personal boundaries — and suggests that it’s OK for you to assert healthy boundaries, and to enforce those boundaries with reasonable consequences.
The subversive 30 second spot alludes to propaganda written by Soviet double-agent Edward Snowden, who infiltrated the NSA to steal state secrets, prior to absconding to his chosen homeland. The PSA acknowledges that the government is storing every email, every web search, every text message, every phone call, and even a record of every piece of mail that you’ve sent or received — but far from gratitude, the spot expresses a disappointing cynicism.
“The government beats protesters out of public spaces, while increasingly creating rules and regulations designed to constrict life to a narrow consumer-oriented path,” quibbles the PSA. “Smoking pot, drinking raw milk, collecting rainwater, being off-grid — even erecting temporary shelter to sleep in an empty unclaimed space invokes a violent, abusive response. You must have money, and you must make it by selling your labor — or, if you’re lucky, selling someone else’s. You must buy, but you must only buy that which is approved for your consumption.”
“And they know, because they record everything — even if you type a status on Facebook, even if you decide not to post it. They keep a record of everywhere you go with your cellphone. They can turn on your webcam and watch you, without your webcam appearing to be on.”
“Paranoid drivel like this only serves to get people worked up. These people are just looking for attention,” explains Jeh Johnson, recently-confirmed Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. “Of course we aren’t treating everyone in the nation as a potential terrorist. Honestly, most American consumers do disgusting things in front of their computers when they think they aren’t being watched. Do you think we want to see that? No — we go after the ones who are likely to be the bad guys.”
“The Occupiers, the Constitutionalists, the anti-war demonstrators, the homeschoolers, people who grow vegetables, people who store more than 7 days of living supplies, people who give food to the homeless, people who only use cash, people who don’t use cash, people who barter, people with precious metals, people who practice a religion, people who are concerned about the economy, people who are concerned about the climate, volunteer Wikipedians, people who don’t drive, political bloggers, photographers, glitter-tossers, people who talk about UFOs, people who use the term “Federal Reserve,” people who use encryption software, people with solar panels on their houses…”
- See related: Activist Post: 72 Types Of Americans That Are Considered “Potential Terrorists” In Official Government Documents
“And, of course,” Secretary Johnson points out, “we go after anyone sharing paranoid crap about the government on Facebook.”