ARTISANAL PRESS — “Daylight saving time” has once again swept across the nation, forcing hundreds of millions of Americans to update the times being displayed on thousands of trillions of their clocks. The adjustment? Precisely +/- one hour.
This phenomenon strikes twice a year; once in March, and once in November. When the phenomenon occurs in March, as it did just yesterday, it compels otherwise-reasonable people to advance their clocks by a period of precisely one hour. These same people will then deliberately leave their clocks set in this manner until November, at which point they will re-set the very same clocks backwards; again, by exactly one hour, right on back to the original time that they had their clocks set to in the first place.
Believe it or not, there’s a sound scientific basis for this practice. The Earth kicks further away from the sun at the beginning of March; and, as a consequence for everyone on Earth, time jolts forwards by exactly one hour. The resulting force tilts the northern hemisphere of the planet towards the sun, causing all of the nations in the world (that we actually report on) to experience summer weather. In technical terms, this means that an extra hour of daylight has been created, right out of thin air, by extremely complicated Einsteinian relativistic effects. But, because of the laws of conservation of matter & energy, that extra hour ultimately has to be made up for somehow — and that’s where you, the taxpayer, come in.
In typical bureaucratic fashion, this tax of one hour’s time is always collected right smack in the middle of the night — often while you are sleeping, and in desperate need of that precious hour, for nothing less than your mental & physical well-being. To date, there is no record of the Earth kicking away from the sun at a time when it might have been more useful; say, about an hour before you were scheduled to get off of work, or let out of school.
It all adds up to one measurable, statistical result. Last year, a grand total of approximately 2.5 million Americans died at various times, from various causes. Mathematically speaking, this means that — over the course of the next eight months of this calendar year — an estimated 1.5 million Americans will die precisely one hour sooner than they otherwise might have, had the government never gotten involved in the business of time.
For reasons that are not entirely clear, only the residents of Arizona and Hawaii are presently immune to the lethal effects of the government’s insidious time warp — but leaders in the state of Oregon have promised to look into the matter.