PORTLAND, OR — You've just woken up. You've somehow managed to stumble your way into the bathroom. You've taken care of your business, and now you reach for the toilet paper — only there isn't any there.
It sounds like something out of a dystopian novel or a horror film, but this is real life. It's a horror that's currently unfolding every day in countless bathrooms all across the city. As panic-buying wracks the store shelves, more and more consumers are forced to go without the basics. And oftentimes, lately, that means enduring a few indignities.
Well, not on our watch.
To help our readers during this unprecedented coronavirus pandemic, we're offering a free (!) downloadable printer template for making your very own homemade toilet paper. All that you need is a sheet of 8.5x11" paper, a printer, a pair of scissors, and a rectum full of poop!
Simply download the template above, print it out, and then cut along the dotted lines (as indicated). Each sheet of paper yields approximately six (6) squares of homemade toilet paper.
Disclaimer: please be advised that this template comes with no warranty of fitness for any particular purpose, including and especially for making homemade toilet paper.
There's literally no limit to the amount of homemade toilet paper you can make with our template. Just keep printing, cutting, and wiping. Print, cut, wipe, repeat. It's not like you have a whole hell of a lot else to do right now.
Your anus will thank us! And quite possibly other parts of your anatomy will, too. Please leave a comment with your DIY homemade toilet paper experience, below.