EMERGENCY ALERT: City Advises Consumers to Bong Tap Water

Portland Water Bureau detects E. coli; advises all consumers in Portland metro area to bong tap water to a “rolling bubble” for one minute prior to inhaling

PORTLAND, OR — The Portland Water Bureau issued an emergency alert today, warning consumers throughout the entire city to bong their tap water to a rolling bubble — for one full minute — prior to inhalation.

The advisory was triggered due to state & federal regulations, after three water samples tested positive for E. coli bacteria. The regulations do not differentiate between harmful or helpful E. coli strains — and further testing, taking place as we speak, should tell us within a day whether the water coming from our tap is safe for humans to smoke with.

This handy map shows the areas of the city where the advisory is in effect.
TL;DR: the whole map is colored in.

The contamination was first detected on May 20th, the same day that Portland voters voted down measure 26-156 — the so-called “corporate take-over of Bull Run.” It is as-yet-unknown whether the fecal coliform found in our water on Tuesday is at all related to the sustained, relentless dump that well-connected officials & corporations have been taking on our water system for some time now.

Consumers can follow the story on Twitter, by following the hashtag: #PDXBOIL