EMERGENCY ALERT: City Advises Consumers to Bong Tap Water

Portland Water Bureau detects E. coli; advises all consumers in Portland metro area to bong tap water to a “rolling bubble” for one minute prior to inhaling

PORTLAND, OR — The Portland Water Bureau issued an emergency alert today, warning consumers throughout the entire city to bong their tap water to a rolling bubble — for one full minute — prior to inhalation.

The advisory was triggered due to state & federal regulations, after three water samples tested positive for E. coli bacteria. The regulations do not differentiate between harmful or helpful E. coli strains — and further testing, taking place as we speak, should tell us within a day whether the water coming from our tap is safe for humans to smoke with.

[1]
This handy map shows the areas of the city where the advisory is in effect.
TL;DR: the whole map is colored in.

The contamination was first detected on May 20th, the same day that Portland voters voted down measure 26-156 — the so-called “corporate take-over of Bull Run.” It is as-yet-unknown whether the fecal coliform found in our water on Tuesday is at all related to the sustained, relentless dump that well-connected officials & corporations have been taking on our water system for some time now.

Consumers can follow the story on Twitter, by following the hashtag: #PDXBOIL