“Huge Fucking Monster Cocks” Movement Makes Texas Campus into Safer Space for Learning

Social Justice Warriors of the left call out right-wing hypocrisy with #HugeFuckingCircumcisedMonsterCocksInMyFavoriteColorNotGlocks.

ARTISANAL PRESS — As part of a highly-visible protest movement, the University of Texas at Austin now finds itself drowning in a deluge of freakishly large cocks. Looking backwards, in hindsight, it should have been easy to see them coming.

The seminal moment for this protest came recently, when Governor Greg Abbott signed a bill into law permitting licensed individuals to carry concealed weapons on college campuses within the state of Texas. In turn, University of Texas alumna Jessica Jin used social media to organize students to openly carry something else with them to class.

Namely: a dildo. And, just like that, the hashtag #HugeFuckingCircumcisedMonsterCocksInMyFavoriteColorNotGlocks was born.

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The idea of using dildos to stop active shooters was first popularized by the video game Grand Theft Auto.

As Jin’s Facebook event invitation explains: “The State of Texas has decided that it is not at all obnoxious to allow deadly concealed weapons in classrooms, however it DOES have strict rules about free sexual expression, to protect your innocence. You would receive a citation for taking a DILDO to class before you would get in trouble for taking a gun to class. Heaven forbid the penis.”

Awareness of the protest was amplified when Addicting Info picked up the story, noting that, as a society, “we glorify violence in our media but vilify sex.”

Take that, right-wing prudes!

Virtually any depiction of any style or size of penis has been warmly welcomed by the activists at the University of Texas. Be it modeled (exaggeratedly) after the commonly-accepted stereotypes of a black penis, or of a white penis, or an Asian penis, or an Indian penis, or an indigenous penis, or perhaps even a penis with characteristics based entirely in fiction — it’s your fantasy!

It can be motorized, or not. It can be remote-controlled by an iPhone app, or powered by good old-fashioned tenacity. It can be as big (or as small) as it takes to fit your needs. It can be “cut” for western aesthetics, or designed to mimic the au naturale look & feel.

The houses are always colonials, and the penises are always circumcised.

What’s important is this: that it’s a rubber cock, and that you proudly display it to your fellow students.

The idea has spread like an easily-communicable virus via social media, garnering support and solidarity from across the nation. Although in-fighting is often a typical characteristic of larger left-wing movements, the #HugeFuckingCircumcisedMonsterCocksInMyFavoriteColorNotGlocks movement seems to have differentiated itself by focusing on two simple tenets that all liberals can agree on:

  1. the left has never supported guns, gun violence, or any purported role that guns are alleged to have played in history;
  2. the left has always stood for freedom of expression, including sexual expression.
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The “Huge Fucking Monster Cocks” t-shirt: now available wherever radical activists buy clothes (probably Hot Topic).

The “Huge Fucking Monster Cocks” movement promises to turn our institutions of higher learning back into safer spaces for students to pursue their academic ambitions. It’s a heady desire — but if ever there was a position to get behind, and firmly support, this is it.