“Like Something Out of The Handmaid’s Tale”

PORTLAND, OR — In yet another sign of just how very close Trump’s America is to descending into an oppressive Christian theocracy, video has surfaced from Wednesday afternoon of Portland Police attempting to literally wrestle a woman from the driver’s seat of her vehicle. The altercation, which appears to have taken place in broad daylight at the intersection of SW Oak & 10th Street, concluded with the driver and her three male passengers escaping (at least until we find out what happens in next week’s episode).

Soldiers of Gilead refrain from opening fire, unwilling to damage their fertile prize.

One witness we spoke to described it as “like something out of The Handmaid’s Tale.” The Handmaid’s Tale is a documentary currently airing on Hulu, chronicling the events following the 2016 presidential election. The witness declined to be identified out of concern for personal safety, citing an estimate of approximately two years until a previously-unheard-of fundamentalist religious sect violently overwhelms the nation at every level of society, and begins rounding up heretics for reeducation into a life of perverse sexual slavery.

Perhaps two years is a conservative estimate. Though not in so many words, Portland Police Bureau spokesperson Pete Simpson attempted to justify the assault by citing the Eighth Commandment from the Christian Bible.