Millions of Americans Defy NSA by Continuing to Watch Porn, Smoke Pot Right in Front of Computers

ARTISANAL PRESS — By all outward appearances, Eli Harlan looks like an average suburban American male. And, in fact, that’s exactly who and what he is. Harlan works as an accountant for a health insurance company. He pays his taxes, and donates his refunds to charity. He volunteers at the local food bank on holidays. He drives an SUV. He has a wife and a small child. He does his share of the chores. He goes to church every Sunday.

Harlan is not concerned that the NSA knows all of this about him. Nor is he concerned that the NSA knows how often he texts his dealer for weed, and whether he orders pizza online with a credit card later the same night.

“If belief in an all-seeing, all-knowing God doesn’t deter me from downloading celebrity sex movies, then why would I care if the NSA is watching, too?”
– Eli Harlan, respected member of the community, pictured in foreground

He’s not alone. Millions of Americans have adopted an attitude of open defiance in response to revelations of domestic NSA spying. They still consume lurid internet content. They still use text message, phone calls, and even Facebook chat to buy marijuana. Moreover, Americans continue to engage in illegal, suspicious, and embarrassing behavior right in front of internet-enabled devices with cameras and microphones built right into them.

I mean, it’s got a fucking camera and a fucking microphone built right fucking into it.

“Faith is what gets me by, in this age,” Harlan explains. “I believe that God is watching me every moment of every day, and that certainly hasn’t stopped me so far. The NSA doesn’t have anything close to the power of eternal damnation. As far as I’m concerned, if they want to watch what I do in front of a computer, then they deserve to have to watch exactly what they get.”