Obama Prepares to Announce His Sixth Annual Ending to the Wars in Afghanistan and Iraq

Speech expected to be well-received by a war-weary nation again.

ARTISANAL PRESS — President Obama has indicated that he is presently preparing his sixth annual “end to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq” speech, during an interview that aired this morning on Channel 93 Action News. Analysts and political pundits believe that the announcement will be well-received, once again, by a nation that is weary of endless war.

The president has announced an end to the wars, and a withdrawal of troops, fives times before. Each time, the proclamation brought great hope to the president’s supporters that actual policy change would, at long last, take place.

The U.S. Army
The announcement is never popular among the president’s top advisers, but the president always holds to his resolve.

The Pentagon controls the two largest, most well-armed, and priciest armies in the world: the United States army, and the United States’ mercenary army. Between the number of uniformed soldiers and the number of private contractors (doing the jobs of uniformed soldiers at greatly inflated rates), nobody actually fucking knows exactly how many heavily-armed Americans are still extending a colonial finger up the asses of both Iraq and Afghanistan. And, even as one kind of soldier leaves, more of the other kind are being shipped in. This means that a full, total, complete, for-real-this-time troop withdrawal could take as long as one million years.

When asked during the interview if he is nervous about giving the speech, the Commander-in-Chief shook his head to say “no.”

“I’ve done this five times before. I can do this in my sleep,” the President replied.