ARTISANAL PRESS — Last Friday, the White House tweeted a photo of President Obama successfully testing a new energy weapon that fires right out of his hand.
Obama fired the beam, which had a rainbow-like appearance, while standing just outside of Airforce One at Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston, Jamaica. The press later learned that the beam struck down somewhere in Yemen, on a wedding party, which reportedly was completely obliterated.
“With hard work and hope, Middle Eastern wedding parties are always within our reach,” President Obama proudly announced, in celebration of the successful test. “I look forward to using this thing on Tuesdays.”