Portland Activists Demand Wall Along Southern State Border

“These people come here, they take our jobs, they ruin the economy, they bring down the whole neighborhood.”

PORTLAND, OR — Portland activists, seeking to stem the tide of immigration which they blame for many of the city’s socio-economic problems, are demanding that lawmakers build a wall along the southern state border between Oregon and California. Activists say that this dramatic measure must be taken soon, if Portland is to preserve what’s left of its unique culture of cheap bars, low rents, and easy access to illicit substances.

The more militant of the activists have also taken to vandalizing the homes and vehicles of Californian immigrants, in recent days.

So many social problems could be resolved overnight if we did away with the problematic right of free movement.

“These people come here, they take our jobs, they ruin the economy, they bring the whole damned neighborhood down,” says Strom Frontlyke, an activist and a humanities major who attends PSU. “It’s simple economics. They’re basically, you know, the problem here. And Californians are notoriously rapey as fuck.”

“This is supposed to be a sanctuary city,” adds Lax Selphuwerenesse, another activist who also happens to be a humanities major at PSU. “How can we provide sanctuary to anybody when we can’t even take care of our own, because we’re being overrun by all of these goddamned Californians?”