President Announces that America is Hungry Again

ARTISANAL PRESS — President Obama announced on Wednesday that America is hungry again, this time for some Syrian.

Indeed, a careful analysis of the president’s speeches over the last several years suggests that America has had a hankering for Syrian for a long, long time. Now, Obama says that he’s finally ready make the order — and in a display of virility, he promises to call in that order without asking Congress if they want anything, first.

“Eleven years ago, George W. Bush made a terrible mistake when he unilaterally chose to sate the nation’s appetite by sending out for Iraqi,” an imperial Obama boomed during Wednesday’s press conference; his head adorned in the most regal of horns. “My predecessor’s order was meant to somehow deal with the consequences of mistakes that previous administrations had made — today’s problems, which yesterday’s presidents had sowed the seeds for, by making poorly-thought-out orders of their own, from menus that they didn’t ever bother to understand, with lasting long-term international consequences.”

Emmanuel Dunand/AFP/Getty Images
“[Bush] didn’t realize that he was continuing America down a self-perpetuating cycle.”

“And the people of this great nation have suffered, as it has become increasingly difficult for you to swallow what we have been feeding you,” the Commander-in-Chief reflected.

“I know that I’ve been a broken record about this, but trust me, once you’ve got a taste for Syrian, you’re going to love it,” the president promised. “I’m so glad that we’ve finally found an entree to whet your appetis.”