PORTLAND, OR — There’s definitely something that glisters in that water, and it’s not just urine.
So say technicians from the Portland Water Bureau, who have conducted tests on water from the Mt. Tabor open reservoir. Some 38 million gallons of water are set to be dumped after a man urinated into the reservoir on Wednesday. Although the urine itself, diluted to approximately .00000000666ppm, was scientifically harmless, Water Bureau employees did find something else alarming enough to trigger the dump — three contaminants, whose presence might explain a lot about what’s been happening to our water over the last few years.
When MwH, HdR, and CH2Mh1Ll combine together with large quantities of H2O — as apparently they have been doing in the Mt. Tabor Reservoirs for years — an alchemical reaction occurs, transmuting water into chemically-pure Au. The result? Portland now has some of the nation’s most expensive water rates — being sold to us, the consumer, right in the middle of a rainforest.
If the history of this kind of contamination elsewhere is any indication, then the prospect of containment is bleak. Once a water supply is contaminated by MwH, HdR, and CH2Mh1Ll, it is virtually impossible to get them out. More and more, the H2O transmutes into pure Au, until eventually nobody can afford to drink it.
Sometimes, this can even lead to a city’s watershed itself getting foreclosed on — the only way left to pay off an unpayable water bill debt.
Water Bureau Commissioner Nick Fish — truly, a man out of water — was quick to appear before cameras, to reassure water rate payers that closing the historic open air reservoirs — in favor of new buried reservoirs, currently under construction — was the right course of action. The incumbent Fish faces a challenge over his seat on City Council in the elections this May from Sharon Maxwell, a human being.
Not so fast with that reassurance, says Dr. Piccone, of the Purity Control Lab at the Portland Water Bureau. “There’s even higher concentrations of MwH, HdR, and CH2Mh1Ll in the water we tested from the buried Powell Butte site.”
“You fill those new reservoirs up with water, and the Mayor’s gonna have to figure out what to do with a lot of gold,” he warns.