PORTLAND, OR — Since its founding in 1971, the Seattle-based coffee mega-brand Starbucks has established itself worldwide as the leading provider of humanity’s second-favorite drug. Now, humanity’s favorite drug is finally legal in Starbucks’ home state — and once Measure 91 permits the licensed sale of cannabis in Oregon, beginning this October, Starbucks is going to leverage its unique global supply chain capabilities to offer the Pacific northwest region a new spin on an old favorite.
It’s called “Pumpkin Kush.” Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks, describes it as “the Pumpkin Spice latte that you drink with your lungs.”
“It tastes like a pumpkin threw up a bunch of cinnamon into my bong,” describes Portland resident Fran Pacino, who had an opportunity to try a free pre-sample of the new Starbucks Pumpkin Kush.
When asked to describe the buzz, Pacino replies, “This is Starbucks. It’s definitely not couch-lock pot. I blogged for about an hour after smoking a bud, and then I reformatted my Macbook before reinstalling it with Linux. Honestly, it kinda feels like they mixed in some crack.”
“We are committed to retailing a complimentary array of products that provide a consistent consumer experience to our users,” says Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz.