ARTISANAL PRESS — Earlier today, the Joint Working Party on Discovery of Elements announced their recommendation for the addition of two new elements to the periodic table. School textbooks, Wikipedia articles, and old Bill Nye episodes on Netflix will all soon be updated to account for the newest recognized chemical elements: wasabi (Wa), and sriracha (Sri).
The discovery of these 119th and 120th elements, respectively, was made by smashing very tiny things into one another as fast as possible, over and over again.
The working party that made the recommendation was convened jointly by both the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) and the International Union of Pure and Applied Physics (IUPAP). Ultimately, the working party’s recommendation will be voted on by the IUPAP — so, chemists, suck it.
Wasabi and sriracha have both long been popularly viewed as fundamental in nature. However, science teaches us that popularity is no substitute for empirical data — after all, just look at what Neil deGrasse Tyson did to Pluto, formerly one of the most popular planets in the solar system.
As of the time of publication of this article, we at The Portland Intelligencer were unable to find a member of the scientific community still willing to speak to our newspaper. As such, the blame for any technical inaccuracies contained within this article rests solely on the scientific community itself.