ARTISANAL PRESS — President Obama announced on Wednesday that America is hungry again, this time for some Syrian.
PORTLAND, OR — It’s a hot September in the City of Roses, and it’s only going to get hotter. This uncomfortable increase in temperature, which has become noticeably pronounced over the past couple of summers, has many Portlanders demanding to know why “science” so utterly & completely failed to give us any warning that this was coming.
PORTLAND, OR — A number of bars and restaurants in inner SE Portland have agreed to sign on to an OLCC pilot program, in which they will drop the old practice of checking ID at the door, in favor of a more foolproof system for determining the appropriateness of one’s patronage within a given establishment. Under the program, door-checkers, bartenders, and wait-staff will be required to visually inspect a consumer’s credit card prior to permitting them entry and/or serving them alcohol.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Joan Rivers is slated to perform a comedy set tonight for a group of the very same Palestinians that she had mocked less than one month ago. The show is intended specifically to lift the spirits of war-torn children, whose lives were ripped apart by the recent fighting in Gaza.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Lt. Ray Albers has become infamous on the internet, after video surfaced of him aiming his semiautomatic weapon indiscriminately into the crowd during a protest in Ferguson, MO. The video captures him verbally threatening to kill nearby protesters, independent journalists, and legal observers alike. The video went viral, not only because of its shocking content, but also for the fact that, when asked for his name, Albers colorfully identified himself to the reporters that he had just threatened with the words: “Go Fuck Yourself.”
PORTLAND, OR — The section of roadway on SE 34th Ave that stretches from Division St. to Clinton St. is set to be officially re-zoned a parking lot, for the exclusive use of two parallel rows of vehicular parking. Reportedly, the portion of SE 34th Ave that stretches from the opposite side of Division St. down to Caruthers St. will also be treated as an additional overflow parking lot, with increasingly-narrow roadway access as you approach the traffic light.
PORTLAND, OR — Portland’s annual coat drive, benefiting children in the community who need wintertime attire for school, is holding another fucking outdoor community gathering, which you’re expected to go to for the second goddamned time in one summer.
PORTLAND, OR — Senators Jeff Merkley (D-OR) & Cory Booker (D-NJ) declined the opportunity to accept the Gaza “Rubble Bucket Challenge” on Wednesday, August 27th, despite the instrumental role that they both played in founding the challenge to begin with.
NOTE: The Portland Intelligencer has learned through a third party that Clergy United is aware of this article and the videos linked in it. They reportedly deny any affiliation with those individuals depicted that are not wearing orange shirts, as well as the interpretations of events shared by the independent journalists cited below. Additional clergy-related organizations are also said to be currently present in Ferguson; reportedly, “Justice Disciples” and “Peacekeepers.” Our investigation into this matter continues.