PORTLAND, OR — The section of roadway on SE 34th Ave that stretches from Division St. to Clinton St. is set to be officially re-zoned a parking lot, for the exclusive use of two parallel rows of vehicular parking. Reportedly, the portion of SE 34th Ave that stretches from the opposite side of Division St. down to Caruthers St. will also be treated as an additional overflow parking lot, with increasingly-narrow roadway access as you approach the traffic light.
PORTLAND, OR — Portland’s annual coat drive, benefiting children in the community who need wintertime attire for school, is holding another fucking outdoor community gathering, which you’re expected to go to for the second goddamned time in one summer.
PORTLAND, OR — Senators Jeff Merkley (D-OR) & Cory Booker (D-NJ) declined the opportunity to accept the Gaza “Rubble Bucket Challenge” on Wednesday, August 27th, despite the instrumental role that they both played in founding the challenge to begin with.
NOTE: The Portland Intelligencer has learned through a third party that Clergy United is aware of this article and the videos linked in it. They reportedly deny any affiliation with those individuals depicted that are not wearing orange shirts, as well as the interpretations of events shared by the independent journalists cited below. Additional clergy-related organizations are also said to be currently present in Ferguson; reportedly, “Justice Disciples” and “Peacekeepers.” Our investigation into this matter continues.
PORTLAND, OR — At approximately 6:00pm on Thursday, August 14th, Portland Mayor Charlie Hales is expected to accidentally sign a statement that condemns the Ferguson, MO Police Department for their recent actions. The statement signing ceremony will be open to the public, and will take place outside the police station at Vanport Square (5229 NE Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd.).
ARTISANAL PRESS — An inexplicable traffic disturbance quickly escalated into full-scale rioting Sunday night in Ferguson, MO. Police arrived at the scene clad in protective gear in response to reports of “gang-looking” characters wandering aimlessly in the streets, waving their hands above their heads in a menacing manner. A group had concentrated in the middle of the street, where they were allegedly attacking the pavement with small wax-based incendiary objects.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Following the coroner’s ruling that the choking death of Eric Garner was a homicide, police in the Empire City have made two arrests: the cameraman who filmed the murder, as well as the cameraman’s wife. Officer Daniel Pantaleo — directly implicated by the coroner’s ruling, as well as by the video evidence of the homicide he committed — currently has no charges filed against him.
Let go of attachment; Your home is the Earth.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Patriotic Americans are amassing along the southern border, in response to Barack Hussein Obama’s latest attempt to orchestrate an invasion of the United States by Socialist forces.