— Monday, July 28, 2014 —

The only newspaper in Portland, OR

Black Man Dies of Fatness During Routine Police Shooting

NYPD bullets lodged in man's heart "not a contributing factor" to fatal heart stoppage, coroner rules

ARTISANAL PRESS — A fat black New York man died for absolutely no reason other than his own poor health choices today, during a random routine stop by NYPD. An undercover officer with the NYPD Cigarettes & Soft Drinks Unit placed the fat man under arrest after the suspect stopped on a city sidewalk to light a passer-by’s cigarette. Obstructing a walkway is a ticketable violation of the city code — which is practically a misdemeanor, and that’s almost nearly a felony.

Militias Deploying to U.S.-Canada Border


ARTISANAL PRESS — Oxidane: an extremely valuable, tightly-regulated, versatile and dangerous substance. Available in preciously finite supply. Oil frackers use it to make gasoline. Dope fiends use it to smoke grass. Weapons manufacturers use it to make nuclear bombs. Currently, the Israeli Defense Force is destroying Hamas’ ability to transport it throughout the Gaza Strip.

IDF Finds Bodies in Gaza Filled with Biohazardous Substance

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ARTISANAL PRESS — The Israeli Defense Force has just made an alarming discovery, after a surgical air strike in the Gaza Strip leveled several residential neighborhoods and a refugee camp. Troops inspecting the liberated land found it soaked — perhaps deliberately — in a viscous red fluid, which scientists say has biochemical properties.

Border Militia Builds Statue of Jesus for Refugee Children

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ARTISANAL PRESS — Last night, a number of refugee transports — each containing children from Central America, fleeing a hellish warzone, chasing the remote hope of gaining political asylum in the United States — were hunted down and brought to justice by a volunteer group of devoutly pious & deeply patriotic Americans. The net spoils — several dozen kills, or “skulls” — is one of the highest scores yet recorded on a popular militia web forum dedicated to hobbyist border protection.

Now Science Wants You to Smell Farts

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ARTISANAL PRESS — Want to cure cancer, reverse aging, and increase your longevity? Scientists at the University of Exeter say that the font of youth has been right under our noses this entire time — but something smells rotten about their claim.