— Friday, November 28, 2014 —

The last newspaper you will read.™

Police Investigating Why Birds Are Dead in Places Where They Just Used Bird-Killing Weapon

It's anyone's guess if they'll figure out why the birds died, but one thing is certain: all officers followed their training, and no one is at fault.
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PORTLAND, OR — Late Tuesday night, in downtown Portland, a thousand protesters demanding justice for Michael Brown were attacked by a small army of violent, riot-armor-clad Darren Wilson supporters. The violent counter-protesters arrived in military force, with horses, batons, internationally-banned chemical munitions, and a host of tortuous Star Wars-inspired exotic weaponry (which, fortunately, was not set to “kill”). Their message: to show their enthusiastic support for the right of the police to murder black people — and, perhaps more poignantly, to show their contempt for those who wish to take that power away. The very next morning, in downtown Portland, …continue reading

White Supremacists Dig Deep for Billboard Fundraiser

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ARTISANAL PRESS — You might ask yourself: who doesn’t like money? Supporters of Officer Darren Wilson, the Ferguson police officer who murdered Michael Brown in August of 2014, were recently surprised when they learned that not one single advertising agency in St. Louis likes money. Wilson’s supporters discovered the vile, reverse-racist, downright discriminatory nature of St. Louis’ advertising industry after they raised enough money to purchase a billboard featuring the hashtag: #PantsUpDontLoot.

OMG, PDX. GMO! WTF?

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PORTLAND, OR — We’re not trying to start anything, dear reader. We simply want to take a moment to observe that, out of all of the major media outlets in this city, The Portland Intelligencer was the only single newspaper to endorse Measure 92: the ballot measure calling for the labeling of GMO food products sold in Oregon. The only single one. Portland, that means we’re just like you. We don’t want to eat any fucking GMOs, either.

They Say Time is the Fire in Which We Burn

Star Trek: Generations (1994)
This entry is part 9 of 9 in the series Fall 2014 Voter's How-To Guide

PORTLAND, OR — Well, dear reader, you’ve gone and done it again. You even live in the state that makes it the easiest to vote! They mail you the ballot… They mail you a booklet full of information… They give you a return envelope to mail it back… Hell, they give you two return envelopes to mail it back — not to mention plenty of time. And yet, here it is. November 4th. Today’s the deadline to get your ballot in — which means that you’ll have to drop yours off at an official ballot drop site by 8pm, if …continue reading

If Wishes Were Tuition Money

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This entry is part 2 of 9 in the series Fall 2014 Voter's How-To Guide

PORTLAND, OR — Welcome back to The Portland Intelligencer’s OFFICIAL Fall 2014 Electioneering tips & strategies guide. In this article, we continue with our step-by-step walkthrough of the state measures section of your ballot. Measure 86 allows the state to borrow money, and to invest that money in the stock market, to fund an endowment to offset the rising costs of education. Wow. Money for school! Think of what that could mean to a starving student. What kind of homemade asshole would vote down something like that?

The Scarlet Label

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This entry is part 8 of 9 in the series Fall 2014 Voter's How-To Guide

PORTLAND, OR — Welcome back to The Portland Intelligencer’s OFFICIAL Fall 2014 Electioneering tips & strategies guide. In this article, we continue with our step-by-step walkthrough of the state measures section of your ballot. Get ready to jump up and down while shouting “science!” louder than your opponent! That’s right… it’s time to debate GMO foods. Specifically, whether they should be labeled at the grocery store or not. Strangely, the people who support GMO foods are the ones who don’t want them to be labeled… even though they’re the people who want to buy them. For gods’ sakes, let’s find …continue reading

Teacher Jailer Soldier Side-Job

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This entry is part 3 of 9 in the series Fall 2014 Voter's How-To Guide

PORTLAND, OR — Welcome back to The Portland Intelligencer’s OFFICIAL Fall 2014 Electioneering tips & strategies guide. In this article, we continue with our step-by-step walkthrough of the state measures section of your ballot. That constitutional separation of powers, which divides government authority into discrete branches? Sometimes, it’s a real bummer. A new measure promises to fix the problem, by letting state judges in Oregon’s circuit court serve in other branches of government — specifically, in the National Guard, and/or as a teacher at a state university. It’s time to tear down some walls!

The Freedom to Say: 2+2=5

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This entry is part 6 of 9 in the series Fall 2014 Voter's How-To Guide

PORTLAND, OR — Welcome back to The Portland Intelligencer’s OFFICIAL Fall 2014 Electioneering tips & strategies guide. In this article, we continue with our step-by-step walkthrough of the state measures section of your ballot. The promise of an open primary is that it will re-empower us as voters, and revitalize our republic. It’s the kind of warm comfort that we can wrap ourselves up in — like a blanket, you might say. And who wouldn’t want to jump into bed with the kind of people who are promising us more democracy?

Amending Amynding the State Constitution… with Misandry!

10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman
This entry is part 5 of 9 in the series Fall 2014 Voter's How-To Guide

PORTLAND, OR — Welcome back to The Portland Intelligencer’s OFFICIAL Fall 2014 Electioneering tips & strategies guide. In this article, we continue with our step-by-step walkthrough of the state measures section of your ballot. Gentlemen, don your fedoras, and don’t forget not to shave your necks! The feminazis are poised to strike against the very heart of our civilization — and with barely a peep from the mainstream media. How typical of the feminist industrial propaganda complex to conveniently ignore yet another all-out legislative assault on men’s rights!