PORTLAND, OR — “I was getting really, really hungry… and I wanted to order a pizza… so I went to get my laptop, and that’s when I noticed the tape that I had put over the web cam — and I was like, whoa!”
ARTISANAL PRESS — If “Oscar” is your hot dog’s first name, and “Mayer” is your hot dog’s last name, then “Disappointment” may well be your new middle name — especially if you practice a vegan diet. Kraft is recalling 96,000 pounds of its Oscar Mayer-brand wieners. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture Food Safety & Inspection Service, hot dogs sold as “classic wieners” may, in fact, actually be “classic cheese dogs.”
PORTLAND, OR — It’s billed as “the most controversial movie ever made.” From the somehow-related-to-Portland-Oregon creators of THE CYCLIST & other movies we’ve never heard of, comes THE ZOMBIE CHRIST. It’s a re-telling of the New Testament that happens to take place seven years after the zombie apocalypse.
PORTLAND, OR — In the wake of the resolution of a standoff between ranchers and Federal forces at the Bundy Ranch, many leftists — exhausted from the effort of screeching a good solid aggregate analysis overtop of the live coverage provided by Los Angeles People’s Media (a bought-and-paid-for Koch brothers gig) — have since found themselves taking solace in the restful comfort of the moral high-grounds.
PORTLAND, OR — There’s definitely something that glisters in that water, and it’s not just urine. So say technicians from the Portland Water Bureau, who have conducted tests on water from the Mt. Tabor open reservoir. Some 38 million gallons of water are set to be dumped after a man urinated into the reservoir on Wednesday. Although the urine itself, diluted to approximately .00000000666ppm, was scientifically harmless, Water Bureau employees did find something else alarming enough to trigger the dump — three contaminants, whose presence might explain a lot about what’s been happening to our water over the last few …continue reading
ARTISANAL PRESS — Although many questions linger in the aftermath of a standoff between a rancher family and the Federal Bureau of Land Management in Nevada last week, one thing is certain — nobody knows more about what happened, and why, than people on Facebook who read a lot of soft commentary-oriented news from popular partisan blogs.
PORTLAND, OR — Multnomah county web servers are experiencing extremely high traffic volume, as nearly 100% of the population of Portland is attempting to pay the arts tax at the exact same time. The system administrator for the county believes that everyone likely remembered to pay at the last minute.
PORTLAND, OR — Great tastes are afoot at Voodoo Doughnuts, as the popular local confectionary — located downtown at SW 3rd & Ankeny — publishes Facebook photos of a new limited-edition treat, commemorating Mrs. Clinton’s appearance in Portland.
PORTLAND, OR — If seeing is believing, then there is no denying that — right this very minute — the moon is being devoured by some kind of giant space-faring creature. As of the time of publication of this article, almost nothing is left of the Earth’s largest natural satellite. All that remains visible to us is a vague, moon-shaped splatter of blood, hanging high above us in the sky as unmistakeable evidence of cosmicide.