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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Reservoir Water Tests Positive for Contaminants: MwH, HdR, CH2Mh1Ll

Portland Water Bureau Technician: "It's a miracle this kid peed in the reservoir when he did"

PORTLAND, OR — There’s definitely something that glisters in that water, and it’s not just urine. So say technicians from the Portland Water Bureau, who have conducted tests on water from the Mt. Tabor open reservoir. Some 38 million gallons of water are set to be dumped after a man urinated into the reservoir on Wednesday. Although the urine itself, diluted to approximately .00000000666ppm, was scientifically harmless, Water Bureau employees did find something else alarming enough to trigger the dump — three contaminants, whose presence might explain a lot about what’s been happening to our water over the last few …continue reading

Freakish Thing Happening to the Moon

Hyung Kyu Nam

PORTLAND, OR — If seeing is believing, then there is no denying that — right this very minute — the moon is being devoured by some kind of giant space-faring creature. As of the time of publication of this article, almost nothing is left of the Earth’s largest natural satellite. All that remains visible to us is a vague, moon-shaped splatter of blood, hanging high above us in the sky as unmistakeable evidence of cosmicide.

Dropbox CEO Caves to Internet Boycott, Asks Condoleezza Rice to Resign from Board of Directors

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ARTISANAL PRESS — Last week, internet cloud service provider Dropbox announced that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, an alumni of the George W. Bush administration, would be joining the company’s Board of Directors. The news prompted an immediate online backlash, leading to a wide-spread boycott, organized — complete with web site — under the hashtag: #DropDropbox.

Portlanders Note Normalcy of Beautiful Spring Day


PORTLAND, OR — It’s another dazzlingly sunny April day here in Portland, OR — and as if that’s not strange enough, the locals are abuzz over a sense of normalcy that has descended upon the city, permeating almost everything. “It’s almost like this is just a regular, nice day,” shrugs Abby Ordinaire, a lifelong Oregonian enjoying an afternoon stroll past the Salmon Springs fountain.

Google to Phase Out Popular ‘Search’ Service

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ARTISANAL PRESS — This, after a long series of other popular Google services have similarly been de-activated, to the dismay of consumers — whether by outright shut-down, or by means of a sudden change to a service’s once-popular interface that sufficiently signals to consumers that Google is tired of being in the business of providing said service. Such popular services as Google Reader, Google Sync, Google Checkout, Google Commerce Search, and Google Dominatrix have all had their plugs pulled in recent years, leading some consumers to question if Google’s transition to a publicly-traded company has impacted the company’s values.

Portland Business Alliance Auctions Off Endorsements for 2014 Local Elections

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This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series Wagetarianism: The New Threat

PORTLAND, OR — It’s that magical time of the election season that you’ve all been waiting for! The sun has come out to shine — and, in similar fashion, the Portland Business Alliance has smiled upon us from above, beaming down a list of names that they would like for us to vote for in the upcoming May local elections.

‘Little Eichmans’ take down the Big Eich Man: The Rise of Hate Crimes against Rich White CEOs

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PORTLAND, OR — Almost every single day now, it seems, we read in the news about another honest-to-God patriotic cornfed American business owner being raked over the coals for their personal beliefs that homosexuals should be legally treated as second-class citizens. After a while, there’s only one conclusion that any reasonable member of privileged society can reach: we’re under attack from the gays.