PORTLAND, OR — Welcome back to The Portland Intelligencer’s OFFICIAL Fall 2014 Electioneering tips & strategies guide. In this article, we continue with our step-by-step walkthrough of the state measures section of your ballot. Today, we’re going to get started with your ballot the same way that we start a typical editorial day… with weed!
Still haven’t filled out your ballot? Hadn’t actually realized that we do mail-in voting in Oregon? Didn’t even know that we were having an election in the first place…? Then this resource is for you. Welcome to your cheat sheet for filling out your ballot, dear reader. You can trust us to guide you in the exercise of your civic power. We’re a newspaper.
PORTLAND, OR — When Lee Spector took the several-hundred-thousand-dollar plunge of opening a Pizzicato franchise location in Beaverton, it wasn’t just so that a bunch of his employees could provide for their own families. So said Spector himself, in not so many words, in a recent op-ed piece opposing a $15/hour living wage, published last Friday in The Oregonian’s guest column.
ST. LOUIS, MO — On Wednesday evening, eighteen-year-old Vonderrit Myers stopped by the local neighborhood market at the corner of Shaw Blvd. & Klemm Street. There, he purchased a sandwich, consisting of white bread, turkey, lettuce, tomato, onions, and jalapeno peppers. The clerk noted that it was getting dark outside, and advised Myers to stay safe. Myers accepted the sandwich, evidently without inspecting it, and exited the store. Six minutes later, Myers was dead.
ARTISANAL PRESS — It’s scandal season in Washington D.C., as the Ebola virus spreads unchecked throughout the continental United States. With nearly halves of dozens of Americans already infected with this deadly threat to national security, conservative leaders are demanding an explanation for the absence of leadership from our so-called Commander-in-Chief.
Plane that Touched the Person with Ebola Touches Down at the Airport that’s Touching the Entire City of Portland
PORTLAND, OR — People living within the metropolitan Portland area are now under a localized biohazard contagion alert, after a plane that had once touched a person with the Ebola recently passed through the Portland International Airport. The alert extends to a surrounding radius of nearly four thousand miles, in all directions, encompassing an area that is home to approximately 7.125 billion residents of the greater Pacific Northwestern region.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Conservative media is in an uproar, after President Obama improperly saluted marines while debarking from Marine One. The marines are a branch of the unconstitutional standing United States military, the largest offensive empire in the history of humankind.
PORTLAND, OR — Portland Police Officers Michael Filbert and Royce Curtiss made headlines this week, after recovering a wayward pizza from a vehicle crash involving a delivery driver. The intrepid officers protected & served the savory food product all the way to the door of the intended recipient, Steve Huckins, who posted a photo to social media.
PORTLAND, OR — Outrage has been brewing in the St. Johns community, in the wake of a violent police assault on an innocent unarmed black youth the weekend before last, captured in two videos that went viral on social media.