— Tuesday, September 16, 2014 —

The only newspaper in Portland, OR

Palestinians Criticize U.S. Voters for Supporting ‘Democratic Party’ Violence

Critics are accusing Americans of giving support to the violent organization — by voting for them
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ARTISANAL PRESS — Activists in the Gaza Strip who are opposed to military aggression by the U.S. & its allies are now criticizing the voters of the United States, whom they say are responsible for “Democratic Party” violence in their region of the world.

Portland’s 10-Day Weather Forecast: Really Fucking Hot

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PORTLAND, OR — It’s a hot September in the City of Roses, and it’s only going to get hotter. This uncomfortable increase in temperature, which has become noticeably pronounced over the past couple of summers, has many Portlanders demanding to know why “science” so utterly & completely failed to give us any warning that this was coming.

Bars in Inner SE to Stop Checking ID, Start Checking Credit Cards

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PORTLAND, OR — A number of bars and restaurants in inner SE Portland have agreed to sign on to an OLCC pilot program, in which they will drop the old practice of checking ID at the door, in favor of a more foolproof system for determining the appropriateness of one’s patronage within a given establishment. Under the program, door-checkers, bartenders, and wait-staff will be required to visually inspect a consumer’s credit card prior to permitting them entry and/or serving them alcohol.

Officer ‘Go Fuck Yourself’ Goes and Fucks Himself, Instead

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ARTISANAL PRESS — Lt. Ray Albers has become infamous on the internet, after video surfaced of him aiming his semiautomatic weapon indiscriminately into the crowd during a protest in Ferguson, MO. The video captures him verbally threatening to kill nearby protesters, independent journalists, and legal observers alike. The video went viral, not only because of its shocking content, but also for the fact that, when asked for his name, Albers colorfully identified himself to the reporters that he had just threatened with the words: “Go Fuck Yourself.”

SE 34th Ave Closed to Traffic from Division St. to Clinton St., Re-Zoned a ‘Parking Lot’

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PORTLAND, OR — The section of roadway on SE 34th Ave that stretches from Division St. to Clinton St. is set to be officially re-zoned a parking lot, for the exclusive use of two parallel rows of vehicular parking. Reportedly, the portion of SE 34th Ave that stretches from the opposite side of Division St. down to Caruthers St. will also be treated as an additional overflow parking lot, with increasingly-narrow roadway access as you approach the traffic light.

The Velvet Glove and Iron Fist

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NOTE: The Portland Intelligencer has learned through a third party that Clergy United is aware of this article and the videos linked in it. They reportedly deny any affiliation with those individuals depicted that are not wearing orange shirts, as well as the interpretations of events shared by the independent journalists cited below. Additional clergy-related organizations are also said to be currently present in Ferguson; reportedly, “Justice Disciples” and “Peacekeepers.” Our investigation into this matter continues.