— Friday, August 22, 2014 —

The only newspaper in Portland, OR

BREAKING: Mayor to Accidentally Sign Statement on Ferguson

Portland Mayor Charlie Hales is expected to accidentally sign a statement on Thursday, condemning the recent actions of the Ferguson, MO Police Department

PORTLAND, OR — At approximately 6:00pm on Thursday, August 14th, Portland Mayor Charlie Hales is expected to accidentally sign a statement that condemns the Ferguson, MO Police Department for their recent actions. The statement signing ceremony will be open to the public, and will take place outside the police station at Vanport Square (5229 NE Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd.).

America Mourns Slaying of Corporate Gas Station Minimart


ARTISANAL PRESS — An inexplicable traffic disturbance quickly escalated into full-scale rioting Sunday night in Ferguson, MO. Police arrived at the scene clad in protective gear in response to reports of “gang-looking” characters wandering aimlessly in the streets, waving their hands above their heads in a menacing manner. A group had concentrated in the middle of the street, where they were allegedly attacking the pavement with small wax-based incendiary objects.

Cops Strike Back at the Man Who Filmed Them Murder

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ARTISANAL PRESS — Following the coroner’s ruling that the choking death of Eric Garner was a homicide, police in the Empire City have made two arrests: the cameraman who filmed the murder, as well as the cameraman’s wife. Officer Daniel Pantaleo — directly implicated by the coroner’s ruling, as well as by the video evidence of the homicide he committed — currently has no charges filed against him.

Nazi Victory in Portland, OR

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PORTLAND, OR — Mayor Charlie Hales has recently signed a generous but controversial settlement agreement, appeasing the terms of Portland Police Officer Mark Kruger’s lawsuit against the city. Captain Mark “Fourth Reich” Kruger earned his iron wings as a local public figure more than a decade ago, when he donned a Nazi uniform & erected a monument to fallen WWII-era Nazi soldiers in a public park. The city has subsequently been embroiled in a high-profile legal battle with Herr Kruger, who sued the city for slander after a high-ranking police official referred to him as: a “Nazi.” Mayor Hales’ settlement …continue reading

Black Man Dies of Fatness During Routine Police Shooting


ARTISANAL PRESS — A fat black New York man died for absolutely no reason other than his own poor health choices today, during a random routine stop by NYPD. An undercover officer with the NYPD Cigarettes & Soft Drinks Unit placed the fat man under arrest after the suspect stopped on a city sidewalk to light a passer-by’s cigarette. Obstructing a walkway is a ticketable violation of the city code — which is practically a misdemeanor, and that’s almost nearly a felony.

Militias Deploying to U.S.-Canada Border


ARTISANAL PRESS — Oxidane: an extremely valuable, tightly-regulated, versatile and dangerous substance. Available in preciously finite supply. Oil frackers use it to make gasoline. Dope fiends use it to smoke grass. Weapons manufacturers use it to make nuclear bombs. Currently, the Israeli Defense Force is destroying Hamas’ ability to transport it throughout the Gaza Strip.