ST. LOUIS, MO — On Wednesday evening, eighteen-year-old Vonderrit Myers stopped by the local neighborhood market at the corner of Shaw Blvd. & Klemm Street. There, he purchased a sandwich, consisting of white bread, turkey, lettuce, tomato, onions, and jalapeno peppers. The clerk noted that it was getting dark outside, and advised Myers to stay safe. Myers accepted the sandwich, evidently without inspecting it, and exited the store. Six minutes later, Myers was dead.
ARTISANAL PRESS — It’s scandal season in Washington D.C., as the Ebola virus spreads unchecked throughout the continental United States. With nearly halves of dozens of Americans already infected with this deadly threat to national security, conservative leaders are demanding an explanation for the absence of leadership from our so-called Commander-in-Chief.
Plane that Touched the Person with Ebola Touches Down at the Airport that’s Touching the Entire City of Portland
PORTLAND, OR — People living within the metropolitan Portland area are now under a localized biohazard contagion alert, after a plane that had once touched a person with the Ebola recently passed through the Portland International Airport. The alert extends to a surrounding radius of nearly four thousand miles, in all directions, encompassing an area that is home to approximately 7.125 billion residents of the greater Pacific Northwestern region.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Conservative media is in an uproar, after President Obama improperly saluted marines while debarking from Marine One. The marines are a branch of the unconstitutional standing United States military, the largest offensive empire in the history of humankind.
PORTLAND, OR — Portland Police Officers Michael Filbert and Royce Curtiss made headlines this week, after recovering a wayward pizza from a vehicle crash involving a delivery driver. The intrepid officers protected & served the savory food product all the way to the door of the intended recipient, Steve Huckins, who posted a photo to social media.
PORTLAND, OR — Outrage has been brewing in the St. Johns community, in the wake of a violent police assault on an innocent unarmed black youth the weekend before last, captured in two videos that went viral on social media.
PORTLAND, OR — It was a festival atmosphere on Saturday in downtown Portland, as the city brought summer to a close with an all-inclusive parade along the waterfront. Governor Kitzhaber was a keynote speaker at the event.
PORTLAND, OR — A number of unhappy readers took the time from their busy days to write to The Portland Intelligencer, upset about our last article, pertaining to the police action in St. Johns last weekend. Many of you felt that the article unfairly portrayed the issue as racial in nature.
PORTLAND, OR — They prowled through the St. Johns neighborhood of Portland late this past Saturday night. Poised and ready, they stalked their prey, about to send the kind of message that the community would not soon forget. It didn’t matter much who they chose; their mission was, quite simply, to scout the area for the one and only criteria that mattered: black skin. And so, when they found Thai Gurule walking down the sidewalk, and they saw that there were plenty of witnesses to carry the story… they struck.