The only newspaper in Portland, OR

Friday, April 25, 2014

Schoolyard Update: Libor, Connor, and the Bully

Libor: 'The conservative media bias in favor of Connor is absolutely disgusting'
Thomas Ricker

PORTLAND, OR — Consider the recent case of Libor, Connor, and the bully. Libor, Connor, and the bully attend the same grade school together. Libor pays his lunch money to the bully. Connor does not pay his lunch money to the bully.

BREAKING: 48 Tons of Hot Dogs Recalled Due to Cheese Contamination

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ARTISANAL PRESS — If “Oscar” is your hot dog’s first name, and “Mayer” is your hot dog’s last name, then “Disappointment” may well be your new middle name — especially if you practice a vegan diet. Kraft is recalling 96,000 pounds of its Oscar Mayer-brand wieners. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture Food Safety & Inspection Service, hot dogs sold as “classic wieners” may, in fact, actually be “classic cheese dogs.”

‘The Zombie Christ’

Bogdan/Uncyclopedia

PORTLAND, OR — It’s billed as “the most controversial movie ever made.” From the somehow-related-to-Portland-Oregon creators of THE CYCLIST & other movies we’ve never heard of, comes THE ZOMBIE CHRIST. It’s a re-telling of the New Testament that happens to take place seven years after the zombie apocalypse.

Leftist Renter Celebrates Convoluted Lockean Chain-of-Ownership Between Self, Stolen Land

Wikimedia Commons

PORTLAND, OR — In the wake of the resolution of a standoff between ranchers and Federal forces at the Bundy Ranch, many leftists — exhausted from the effort of screeching a good solid aggregate analysis overtop of the live coverage provided by Los Angeles People’s Media (a bought-and-paid-for Koch brothers gig) — have since found themselves taking solace in the restful comfort of the moral high-grounds.

Reservoir Water Tests Positive for Contaminants: MwH, HdR, CH2Mh1Ll

McD22

PORTLAND, OR — There’s definitely something that glisters in that water, and it’s not just urine. So say technicians from the Portland Water Bureau, who have conducted tests on water from the Mt. Tabor open reservoir. Some 38 million gallons of water are set to be dumped after a man urinated into the reservoir on Wednesday. Although the urine itself, diluted to approximately .00000000666ppm, was scientifically harmless, Water Bureau employees did find something else alarming enough to trigger the dump — three contaminants, whose presence might explain a lot about what’s been happening to our water over the last few …continue reading

Freakish Thing Happening to the Moon

Hyung Kyu Nam

PORTLAND, OR — If seeing is believing, then there is no denying that — right this very minute — the moon is being devoured by some kind of giant space-faring creature. As of the time of publication of this article, almost nothing is left of the Earth’s largest natural satellite. All that remains visible to us is a vague, moon-shaped splatter of blood, hanging high above us in the sky as unmistakeable evidence of cosmicide.