ARTISANAL PRESS — Oxidane: an extremely valuable, tightly-regulated, versatile and dangerous substance. Available in preciously finite supply. Oil frackers use it to make gasoline. Dope fiends use it to smoke grass. Weapons manufacturers use it to make nuclear bombs. Currently, the Israeli Defense Force is destroying Hamas’ ability to transport it throughout the Gaza Strip.
ARTISANAL PRESS — “Hello, my name is Marissa. I am ten years old.” So begins a chilling video missive, recently recorded by a child living in Gaza. Though not even yet a teenager, she has already dedicated her life to the death and destruction of her enemies.
ARTISANAL PRESS — When pro-Palestine activists received a not-so-warm welcome from a pro-Israel rally in Los Angeles late Sunday afternoon, it provided the Department of Homeland Security with the perfect opportunity to test out one of its new politically-neutral tactics for pacifying civil resistance.
ARTISANAL PRESS — The Israeli Defense Force has just made an alarming discovery, after a surgical air strike in the Gaza Strip leveled several residential neighborhoods and a refugee camp. Troops inspecting the liberated land found it soaked — perhaps deliberately — in a viscous red fluid, which scientists say has biochemical properties.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Last night, a number of refugee transports — each containing children from Central America, fleeing a hellish warzone, chasing the remote hope of gaining political asylum in the United States — were hunted down and brought to justice by a volunteer group of devoutly pious & deeply patriotic Americans. The net spoils — several dozen kills, or “skulls” — is one of the highest scores yet recorded on a popular militia web forum dedicated to hobbyist border protection.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Want to cure cancer, reverse aging, and increase your longevity? Scientists at the University of Exeter say that the font of youth has been right under our noses this entire time — but something smells rotten about their claim.
ARTISANAL PRESS — IKEA has apologized to Takoma Park Police Chief Alan Goldberg, after an employee mistakenly insisted that the store’s “weapons free environment” policy applied to Chief Goldberg’s magical government-issued peacekeeper.
PORTLAND, OR — The Portland Intelligencer has been shut down by the Department of Homeland Security, in what appears to be a joint operation with the Department of Justice, the National Intellectual Property Rights Coordination Center, and Interpol.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Independent media is abuzz over Independence Day, as Anti-Media scribe Lissa Bissa reports that Mayor Michael DiVirgilio has re-tweeted her tweet — in which she criticized the heavy-handed deployment of police on July 4th in Hermosa Beach, CA.