— Thursday, October 30, 2014 —

The only newspaper in Portland, OR

Illegals Want to Drive in Oregon, Despite Being Born From Unamerican Uteruses

They took our jobs. Now they want driver's licenses, too. What will they demand next — due process under the law?
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This entry is part 2 of 3 in the series Fall 2014 Voter's How-To Guide

PORTLAND, OR — Welcome back to The Portland Intelligencer’s OFFICIAL Fall 2014 Electioneering tips & strategies guide. In this article, we continue with our step-by-step walkthrough of the state measures section of your ballot. The bleeding hearts are back at it again, with their tired old “we-have-no-reason-to-be-treating-human-beings-like-this-so-why-are-we-acting-so-capriciously-cruel?” rigamarole. Yawn! This time, they want Big Government to give away driver’s cards — even to the sort of people who cannot or will not produce their papers on-demand!

What Are You Smoking?!?

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This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series Fall 2014 Voter's How-To Guide

PORTLAND, OR — Welcome back to The Portland Intelligencer’s OFFICIAL Fall 2014 Electioneering tips & strategies guide. In this article, we continue with our step-by-step walkthrough of the state measures section of your ballot. Today, we’re going to get started with your ballot the same way that we start a typical editorial day… with weed!

The OFFICIAL Fall 2014 Oregon Electioneering Edition (vol. 1)

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This entry is part 1 of 3 in the series Fall 2014 Voter's How-To Guide

Still haven’t filled out your ballot? Hadn’t actually realized that we do mail-in voting in Oregon? Didn’t even know that we were having an election in the first place…? Then this resource is for you. Welcome to your cheat sheet for filling out your ballot, dear reader. You can trust us to guide you in the exercise of your civic power. We’re a newspaper.

City Holds Bake Sale to Help Low Wage Pizza-Workers Pay Rent, Buy Groceries

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PORTLAND, OR — When Lee Spector took the several-hundred-thousand-dollar plunge of opening a Pizzicato franchise location in Beaverton, it wasn’t just so that a bunch of his employees could provide for their own families. So said Spector himself, in not so many words, in a recent op-ed piece opposing a $15/hour living wage, published last Friday in The Oregonian’s guest column.

Another Responsible Sandwich Owner is Now Dead

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ST. LOUIS, MO — On Wednesday evening, eighteen-year-old Vonderrit Myers stopped by the local neighborhood market at the corner of Shaw Blvd. & Klemm Street. There, he purchased a sandwich, consisting of white bread, turkey, lettuce, tomato, onions, and jalapeno peppers. The clerk noted that it was getting dark outside, and advised Myers to stay safe. Myers accepted the sandwich, evidently without inspecting it, and exited the store. Six minutes later, Myers was dead.

Ebolagate!

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ARTISANAL PRESS — It’s scandal season in Washington D.C., as the Ebola virus spreads unchecked throughout the continental United States. With nearly halves of dozens of Americans already infected with this deadly threat to national security, conservative leaders are demanding an explanation for the absence of leadership from our so-called Commander-in-Chief.

Plane that Touched the Person with Ebola Touches Down at the Airport that’s Touching the Entire City of Portland

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PORTLAND, OR — People living within the metropolitan Portland area are now under a localized biohazard contagion alert, after a plane that had once touched a person with the Ebola recently passed through the Portland International Airport. The alert extends to a surrounding radius of nearly four thousand miles, in all directions, encompassing an area that is home to approximately 7.125 billion residents of the greater Pacific Northwestern region.

Cops Wipe Out Two Centuries of Racism, Brutality, Tyranny

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PORTLAND, OR — Portland Police Officers Michael Filbert and Royce Curtiss made headlines this week, after recovering a wayward pizza from a vehicle crash involving a delivery driver. The intrepid officers protected & served the savory food product all the way to the door of the intended recipient, Steve Huckins, who posted a photo to social media.