— Tuesday, September 2, 2014 —

The only newspaper in Portland, OR

Officer ‘Go Fuck Yourself’ Goes and Fucks Himself, Instead

Lt. Ray "Go Fuck Yourself" Albers, who aimed a semiautomatic rifle at protesters in Ferguson while threatening to kill them, has resigned from the force
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ARTISANAL PRESS — Lt. Ray Albers has become infamous on the internet, after video surfaced of him aiming his semiautomatic weapon indiscriminately into the crowd during a protest in Ferguson, MO. The video captures him verbally threatening to kill nearby protesters, independent journalists, and legal observers alike. The video went viral, not only because of its shocking content, but also for the fact that, when asked for his name, Albers colorfully identified himself to the reporters that he had just threatened with the words: “Go Fuck Yourself.”

SE 34th Ave Closed to Traffic from Division St. to Clinton St., Re-Zoned a ‘Parking Lot’

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PORTLAND, OR — The section of roadway on SE 34th Ave that stretches from Division St. to Clinton St. is set to be officially re-zoned a parking lot, for the exclusive use of two parallel rows of vehicular parking. Reportedly, the portion of SE 34th Ave that stretches from the opposite side of Division St. down to Caruthers St. will also be treated as an additional overflow parking lot, with increasingly-narrow roadway access as you approach the traffic light.

The Velvet Glove and Iron Fist

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NOTE: The Portland Intelligencer has learned through a third party that Clergy United is aware of this article and the videos linked in it. They reportedly deny any affiliation with those individuals depicted that are not wearing orange shirts, as well as the interpretations of events shared by the independent journalists cited below. Additional clergy-related organizations are also said to be currently present in Ferguson; reportedly, “Justice Disciples” and “Peacekeepers.” Our investigation into this matter continues.

BREAKING: Mayor to Accidentally Sign Statement on Ferguson

@BenryHailey

PORTLAND, OR — At approximately 6:00pm on Thursday, August 14th, Portland Mayor Charlie Hales is expected to accidentally sign a statement that condemns the Ferguson, MO Police Department for their recent actions. The statement signing ceremony will be open to the public, and will take place outside the police station at Vanport Square (5229 NE Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd.).

America Mourns Slaying of Corporate Gas Station Minimart

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ARTISANAL PRESS — An inexplicable traffic disturbance quickly escalated into full-scale rioting Sunday night in Ferguson, MO. Police arrived at the scene clad in protective gear in response to reports of “gang-looking” characters wandering aimlessly in the streets, waving their hands above their heads in a menacing manner. A group had concentrated in the middle of the street, where they were allegedly attacking the pavement with small wax-based incendiary objects.

Cops Strike Back at the Man Who Filmed Them Murder

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ARTISANAL PRESS — Following the coroner’s ruling that the choking death of Eric Garner was a homicide, police in the Empire City have made two arrests: the cameraman who filmed the murder, as well as the cameraman’s wife. Officer Daniel Pantaleo — directly implicated by the coroner’s ruling, as well as by the video evidence of the homicide he committed — currently has no charges filed against him.