ARTISANAL PRESS — An inexplicable traffic disturbance quickly escalated into full-scale rioting Sunday night in Ferguson, MO. Police arrived at the scene clad in protective gear in response to reports of “gang-looking” characters wandering aimlessly in the streets, waving their hands above their heads in a menacing manner. A group had concentrated in the middle of the street, where they were allegedly attacking the pavement with small wax-based incendiary objects.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Following the coroner’s ruling that the choking death of Eric Garner was a homicide, police in the Empire City have made two arrests: the cameraman who filmed the murder, as well as the cameraman’s wife. Officer Daniel Pantaleo — directly implicated by the coroner’s ruling, as well as by the video evidence of the homicide he committed — currently has no charges filed against him.
Let go of attachment; Your home is the Earth.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Patriotic Americans are amassing along the southern border, in response to Barack Hussein Obama’s latest attempt to orchestrate an invasion of the United States by Socialist forces.
PORTLAND, OR — Mayor Charlie Hales has recently signed a generous but controversial settlement agreement, appeasing the terms of Portland Police Officer Mark Kruger’s lawsuit against the city. Captain Mark “Fourth Reich” Kruger earned his iron wings as a local public figure more than a decade ago, when he donned a Nazi uniform & erected a monument to fallen WWII-era Nazi soldiers in a public park. The city has subsequently been embroiled in a high-profile legal battle with Herr Kruger, who sued the city for slander after a high-ranking police official referred to him as: a “Nazi.” Mayor Hales’ settlement …continue reading
ARTISANAL PRESS — A fat black New York man died for absolutely no reason other than his own poor health choices today, during a random routine stop by NYPD. An undercover officer with the NYPD Cigarettes & Soft Drinks Unit placed the fat man under arrest after the suspect stopped on a city sidewalk to light a passer-by’s cigarette. Obstructing a walkway is a ticketable violation of the city code — which is practically a misdemeanor, and that’s almost nearly a felony.
ARTISANAL PRESS — Oxidane: an extremely valuable, tightly-regulated, versatile and dangerous substance. Available in preciously finite supply. Oil frackers use it to make gasoline. Dope fiends use it to smoke grass. Weapons manufacturers use it to make nuclear bombs. Currently, the Israeli Defense Force is destroying Hamas’ ability to transport it throughout the Gaza Strip.
ARTISANAL PRESS — “Hello, my name is Maissan. I am ten years old.” So begins a chilling video missive, recently recorded by a child living in Gaza. Though not even yet a teenager, she has already dedicated her life to the death and destruction of her enemies.
ARTISANAL PRESS — When pro-Palestine activists received a not-so-warm welcome from a pro-Israel rally in Los Angeles late Sunday afternoon, it provided the Department of Homeland Security with the perfect opportunity to test out one of its new politically-neutral tactics for pacifying civil resistance.