Face Transplant Successfully Performed in Portland

Multiple witnesses observe historic procedure.

PORTLAND, OR — Details are sketchy, but sources close to the Portland Intelligencer report that the highly dangerous procedure known as a “face transplant” was successfully performed last night at facilities located somewhere in NE Portland. Multiple witnesses are said to have observed the procedure.

Witnesses say the procedure was the latest in a protracted effort to extend the life of a wheelchair-bound diabetic patient, reportedly a Wiccan living in subsidized housing, who reportedly first became aware of his condition when he noticed a lump growing on the sole of his foot.

Unfortunately, this quick pre-operation conference is the only footage of this historic event that our newspaper has so far been able to obtain.

Although the face transplant procedure is still relatively new to medical science, our sources indicate that another is already scheduled to take place in Oregon later this month, on the 28th of July.